When I Stay
by amazinglilli
Summary: Mia Hall was a normal girl until a car crash almost took her life. Even though she stayed, her mother, father, and brother are still gone. She has gotten into Julliard. Her boyfriend is about to go on tour with his band. Everything about her life is going to change. Can she handle it? Or is it all just too much to bare?
1. Awake

**Mia Hall was a normal girl until a car crash almost took her life. Even though she stayed, her mother, father, and brother are still gone. She has gotten into Julliard. Her boyfriend is about to go on tour with his band. Everything about her life is going to change. Can she handle it? Or is it all just too much to bare?**

**This is my version of what happened directly after she woke up. It may contradict with _Where She Went_ by Gayle Forman. I haven't decided yet. I hope you like it.**

* * *

**Chapter 1: Awaken**

I feel Adam's grip tighten, so that the grasp of his hand feels like it is holding my entire body. Like it could lift me up right out of this bed. And then I hear the sharp intake of his voice. It's the first time today I can truly hear him.

"Mia?" he asks. I squeeze his hand gently as my eyelids flutter in the newly found artificial light above me. "Mia!" he says, looking at me with a longing gaze and holding my cool cheek in his warm hand. I moan. "Oh-h, it's okay. I'm here," he says, pressing his hot soft lips against my forehead. "I'm here."

I moan again as the intense pain brought on by my injuries finally hits. I clench my teeth and try to take deep breaths, but I feel like my body is suddenly lit on fire.

"Are you okay?" he asks, worried as he notices my stiffened grip on his hand. "I-I'll get the nurse," he says, kissing my knuckles and running up to the front desk of the ICU.

I just lay here for what seems like hours as the flames surge through my body, searing my skin, before three nurses shows up. They jog in and rush to check my vitals, one of them shining a blinding flashlight in each eye.

"Breathing is stable, but speeding up," another says.

"Temperature is rising," the third one says, loudly as she sticks the thermometer in my mouth and puts her cool hand on my forehead.

Adam paces around the doorway of my room, nervously running his hands through his hair and mumbling something to himself. The nurses run around the room like balls in a pinball machine in-between taking turns poking and prodding at my body. The pain is so severe that I have to squint my eyes every so often just to keep myself from screaming.

"I need coolers and a bag of saline!" the third yells, at no one in particular, and a random nurse passing by the door of my room bolts into the hallway. She comes back with two bags of saline and a large complicated looking cooling pack and passes them to the nurses hovering over me. One of the nurses change my IV and another pulls the curtain shut before ripping my hospital gown open and placing the cooling pack on my bare heating chest. I cringe at the cool, but eventually settle into it. My heart rate steadies and it feels as though my entire body cools down. The nurses' eyes do not leave the monitors the entire time.

"Heart rate is going down," the first one says, taking a deep breath as the second comes in holding another cooling pack. She hands it to the first and takes the original pack back out of the room.

When the new pack hits my skin it feels warmer than the first, but it still continues to cool me like the first one. The pain slowly starts to go away and strangely I feel almost tired, like being in a coma was not enough rest. Everything starts to get hazy as my eyes begin to shut until finally they are almost closed. That is when I feel a tingling in my hand that wasn't there before. Someone kisses my forehead and I can hear them sit down in the chair beside me.

"Hey, I'm here," he says, fixing his grip on my hand. Together, me and him, feels like the most natural thing in the world. "I hope your feeling better."

I smile slightly and my eyes beat shut despite my efforts to keep them open.

"That's okay," he says, petting my cheek. "Get some rest. I'll be here when you get up." He scoots his chair a little bit closer and places his right foot on his left knee before leaning back in his chair, his grip of my hand not moving. Slowly my eyes close shut in a perfect silence only heard by our ears.

* * *

They moved me out of the ICU only a few days ago, but I feel significantly better already. I still do not feel ready to deal with everything that I have lost in the crash, but I think everyone understands that. It is kind of an unspoken rule that I do not want to talk about what happened. We all know I can not exactly handle it yet. When I woke up they told me again what happened, in less detail than when they thought I was not listening. Even after having all my coma time to think about it I still cried, except this time everyone could hear me. There are some times when I do not think it will ever get better.

People visit me almost constantly, which I guess is good. It keeps my mind off of things. Adam has barely left my side since I woke up, only leaving to play gigs, now that he knows I am okay. We spend the day just talking hanging out, like normal. It is nice to have something normal. He got permission from Willow to bring in food from outside the hospital, which is way better than the slop they serve here. He went twenty minutes out of the way to grab us some from one of my favorite places, the greasy take out place across the street from my old cello teacher's apartment.

My long dark brown hair hangs on the shoulders of my green and grey long sleeve shirt as I sit criss crossed on my hospital bed picking at a take out box of Chinese food with a pair of chopsticks. All different wires and things twist up my arm, half of which I do not even know the use for. My chipping purple nails attempt to pick up the chicken and broccoli with the small wooden sticks, but fail miserably. Adam sits on the other end of the bed, his knees exposed through the worn out holes of his washed out jeans, doing the same except he can actually pick up the food with the foreign contraption.

"How can you possibly do this?" I ask, attempting to pick up a piece of chicken with the sticks, but it flicks onto my shirt and just about misses my baggy grey sweats from the local college. "Ugh."

"It's not that hard. You just have to pinch the two sticks together so they tighten towards the chicken," he says, popping another piece in his mouth.

I try again abut fail miserably. It bounces all the way to the floor and leaves a sticky brown smudge on the previously clean laminate tiles. "Ugh! Can you help me?" I pout.

"Sure," he says, poking into his own container. His sticks come out with a perfect piece of chicken. He brings it up to my mouth with a smile. "Here."

I smile back and take a bite. "Much better."

"Your so cute," he laughs.

"Well thank you," I say, kissing him. It only lasts a second, but it is absolutely perfect.

He pulls away, oddly conflicted, and pauses for a moment. He slowly pulls a folded piece of paper from the back pocket of his beat up jeans. His face gets even more confused as his glance traces along the faded white fold. Something is not good.

"I know you said that you didn't want to talk about anything that happened while you were in the coma—"

"Nope."

"But, I think you need to hear this," he tries to continue, but I stop him again.

"No," I say, almost angry. "I told you that I don't want to talk about it, Adam—"

"You got into Julliard," he says, quickly, and everything in the room goes silent. I do not look at him. I can feel his eyes bobbing back onto me ever so often, to see my response, but I do not give him one, which, I guess, is a response in itself.

I am in shock. My mind suddenly feels all mashed up and discombobulated.

_I can not believe that I got in._ Everything else around me goes into a blur. _The audition was already a bit much to swallow. I did not think I was going to get in. I wonder if everyone else already knows. Kim probably does. She always seems to know more than me, no matter the subject. I cannot wait to tell mom_—I stop there, too sad to even continue my thoughts. _This is why I did not want anything brought up. This is why I told him no._

"You should go," he continues, shyly.

I look at him, bewildered by his response. I shake my head. "No. No. What are you talking about? I can't go."

"Yes you can, Mia. You have to. You've been given this amazing opportunity," he insists.

"I don't care! I don't want it!" I yell, almost in tears. "You can't make me."

"Your right. I can't. But I still think you should," he says, quietly, almost in a whisper, as he tries to calm me down.

"Why? So I can lose you too?" I ask as tears start to drip down my cheeks.

"Mia, I'm not going to lose you," he says grabbing my hand. "I love you."

"And I love you too, but sometimes that isn't enough." I pause. "That's why I'm here, right? Because love couldn't save all of them in the crash," I say, getting more upset. A monitor in the corner starts to go off and Adam tries to calm me down, but it doesn't work. "Love wasn't enough! Don't you see that?" The more I talk the shorter my breaths lasts and although I keep going. Adam seems worried. I try to wipe the tears away with my palms, but they just won't stop. More lights and things start beeping the longer I go on. "That's why they're all gone," I hiccup in an attempt to get more air. "Because I couldn't save them." I lay rocking myself back and forth in the bed as Adam rubs my back, but it isn't helping. A couple of nurses rush into the room and start screaming things at each other.

"Heart rate is rising," one of them yells, coming at me.

"She's having a hard time breathing," the other yells back.

Adam steps back, out of their way, in shock until he is almost flat against the cement wall. His eyes appear hollow as his hands nervously sift through his hair. My forehead is burning hot and my palms are sweaty. My breathing is scattered and it can barely keep up with what I need. A nurse places a mask over my face and I feel a bit better, but still not good. Three other nurses run in with serious looks and starts attending to me as well. Things start getting darker and darker, like the world is shading around the edges. The walls turn to black sparkles like a starry night and even though my eyes are open I can not see a thing. I can literally feel my heartbeat beat slower. It almost steadies into a march step, but then decides to trudge along even slower. I am struggling for air, gasping for breath, searching for oxygen, panting for relief. I can almost feel my blood turn to sludge as I take my last breath and hear a beautiful ringing in the machines in unison.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Deadpan. Blank.

* * *

**First off I would like to say that I do not own If I Stay or any of the characters within the stories by Gayle Forman.**

**Well, I hope you all liked it! Please review! I love my fans and I would love to know what you think (don't worry about being harsh, I love constructive criticism). I am always trying to improve my writing in any way possible so PLEASE REVIEW!**

**Also, I tend to reuse some of my minor characters in other fan fictions so you can have more of a back-story or feel of the character that you don't necessarily get from just one of them, so if you want to find out more just check them out.**

**If you like this story then I suggest you check out my fan fiction(s): An Imperial Affliction or Flightless Birds.**

**I love my fans so spread the word and never give up what you love. Fan fiction for life! :) -amazinglilli**


	2. Normal

**Chapter 2: Normal**

An electric pulse goes through my body like a metal rod. My heart jumps as the instant surge of electricity hits it and I swear I lift an inch off the bed. A bright light comes before my eyes as my heart starts back up and the entire room is filled with noise of people rushing in and out. Nurses stand all around me with breathing tubes, needles, and shock paddles. Adam isn't in here any more. He either left or something happened and he had to be _escorted_ out. My guess is the second one.

After about half an hour the nurses get me back to normal and leave me with nothing but the humming silence of the machines. I lay on the now empty bed just staring up at the ceiling, my cheeks plastered with dried tears from my recent meltdown. I think back to what happened as new tears begin to cover the old ones.

"I told him I didn't want to talk about it," I whisper to myself, to choked up to be completely audible to anyone else.

I hear a knock on the door frame and wipe my eyes before looking towards it. Kim stands there a second just looking at me, probably making sure that I'm stable, before entering the room.

"Hey," she says, walking up to my bed and sitting on the foot of it.

"Hey," I answer, plainly.

"Why are you saying it like that?" she asks. "You should be excited. Your only a week away from getting out."

"I don't know about that anymore. I kind of freaked out about—"

"Julliard. I know. Adam was practically taken out kicking and screaming when you flat lined," she says, looking down at her folded hands.

_I hate doing this to people. I hate hurting them._

"So, what happened? Is he okay?" I ask.

"Yeah, he's fine. He just kind of lost it. I mean, who wouldn't? I could hear him yelling from the waiting room. They had to drag him out of your room kicking and screaming, though he looked pretty empty by the time he got to me. He looked like he had seen a ghost." She pauses. "I mean, he knew you wouldn't exactly pack your bags after the news, but he didn't know you'd do_ that_."

"Then obvious he doesn't know me," I say, bitterly.

_He should have known._ He practically shipped me off himself, packed my bags, and just let me go, without a goodbye. I've already lost too much over the last month. _He should have known._

"Look, you shouldn't blame him," she says. "I suggested it. Mia, I know you better than anyone else. Julliard was made for you. You'd be crazy not to go."

"Then maybe I am. Maybe I am crazy. All I know is that I can't go. I won't. I'm not gonna lose one more thing. Not now. Everything is finally getting back to normal," I say as my eyes start to water.

Kim takes my hand and looks me dead in the eye. "It's never going to be normal again, Mia."

* * *

My suitcase sits on the now plain sheets of my soon to be old hospital bed as I try to cram the last of my stuff into it. Gran and Gramps took most of my stuff back home yesterday so that there wouldn't be that much in the car today. Two fully packed bags lay on the uncomfortable leather arm chair that sits next to the tray-table. They hold the things that couldn't be taken in advance like my toothbrush, hairbrush, clothes, etc. I push my slippers into the suitcase in front of me and sit on top of it so it can hold shut as I pull the zipper across the purple fabric to restrain the bulge.

I wear a simple white scoop neck long sleeve shirt with a pair of medium wash jeans, a long grey knit sweater with lace down the back of it, and classic red Converse. My mousy brown hair lays down over my shoulders with a small section braided until my ear, something different. Starting today my whole life is different. Everything has already changed, but today all contracts are signed and every tragedy that has happened within the last few weeks will take full effect.

I sigh and turn my head reluctantly towards the door, sensing Adam's presence. His body leans against the doorway with his arms crossed and feet apart. His face looks towards the ground. Even though he senses my gaze he doesn't move, not an inch. My eyes trace his body, his curly brown hair, his strong sculptured hands. He wears a vintage navy blue blazer with each sleeve bunched up at the elbow and ending with a crisp cuff fastened with antique gold buttons. It lays open to reveal a classic white Nirvana tee shirt. His worn down medium wash jeans are practically falling apart at the knees. He's typical Adam.

"Are you gonna talk to me?" he asks. I sigh and purse my lips slightly. He finally looks up at me, his eyes laced with insecurities. "I'm sorry, Mia. I'm just really sorry." He moves towards me slowly, placing his hands at my waist. I stand still, not sure of what to feel. He leans in towards me and presses his forehead against mine. I can feel his anxious breath on me. "Please, forgive me."

I relax into his touch and slip my chill hospital-smelling hands onto his face so that they cup his chin. He sighs at my touch, obviously distraught. His eyes close as he noticeably relishes my touch. I haven't seen him since the _incident._ It feels so good to have him here, to have him near me. To think that only a little while ago he saw me die right before his eyes. The thought of how upset he was pangs in my mind, upsetting the peaceful air in the room. My hands slip further down his smooth skin so they they're around his neck, resting next to the collar of his blazer.

"I forgive you," I whisper.

"Oh, Mia," he moans, sweetly, hugging me closely. "I didn't mean to upset you. If I knew you were going to... never mind about that. I should have listened. I just don't want to slow you down, to take away any of your opportunities. I was selfish to want you all to myself. As long as you're breathing, I'm okay, with anything. I just want you here."

My eyes start to cloud with tears. "I know. I want to be here with you too," I say, twisting his hair in between my fingers. "It's just that everything that's happened... I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you, not now. I've already lost so much." My forehead comes back to press against his. Both of our eyes close, enjoying the moment, breathing in each other's energy. "For now, I think that I just want to go on tour with you. I'll defer enrollment to Julliard and see where it takes me. Maybe I won't go at all."

He pulls away slightly. "You can't do that, Mia."

"It's my choice," I argue.

"I know, it's your choice, and I'm okay with you coming on tour with me. I'd love to have you with me, the whole band would, but... It's your life, Mia. Music is your entire life. I see the way you are when you play. It's like magic. It's one of the things that I love about you. If you give up this opportunity you'll regret it."

"No, I—"

"Yes, you will, and you'll resent me for it."

"No, I—"

"Yes, you will," he says, tightening his grasp around my waist and kissing me lightly. "Just promise me that you'll think about it. Please."

I sigh. "Okay." I kiss him again and he meets my lips with such passion that I almost forget where we are. His lips are soft and warm. A small bit of stubble brushes against my cheek. My fingers twist the ends of his hair as I inhale his scent. His strong hands pull my body towards him as his mouth melds into mine. The moment is perfect. I've missed him so much. I deepen the kiss and it takes him slightly by surprise, but it only shows slightly in his posture.

"I'll bring these out to the car," he says, heading out the door.

"Okay," I say simply. It's time to head home, back to a newly empty house. Gran and Gramps offered to have me stay with them, but I refused. It's already enough being without mom and dad and Teddy, but not being in the house that bound us together would be too much. Just the though of it brings tears to my eyes.

Gran walks in and takes me into a gentle embrace. "I know, sweety. I miss them too, but know that whenever you're in trouble they'll be right here," she says pointing to my chest.

_Oh, I hope so. I could really use my mom right about know. She would have the best advice for this._

My eyes tear up some more.

Gramps steps forward and pulls me into his own embrace, delicately stroking my hair. "Are your ready to go, sweetheart?"

I nod. "Yeah."

We say goodbye to all of the nurses and caregivers that have taken care of me and put up with my outbursts for the last few weeks. They all just wave and smile sweetly, wishing me well, but a small one named Sabrina isn't into small generic gestures. She grasps me tightly which is surprising considering her petite build. Her long blonde curls flow over my shoulder as she hold me in place. I smile slightly. I think I've only talked to her a few times. She usually just helped with my roommate, Zoe.

"Oh, good luck. I know you're going to do great things," she smiles. She holds me out at arms length to give full view of her pale skin and freckled cheeks. "The sky can only go up from here. Call me if you need anything."

"Thanks," I say, and she pulls me into another hug.

It's just like Kim and I always say, the world is divided into two sets of people, huggers and those who avoid hugs.

When we get to the exit, I see Adam loading in my stuff to the back of Gramps car from behind the automatic doors. I walk outside and four the first time in weeks in hale my first breath of fresh air. It smells wonderful.

It's just like Kim and I always say, the world is divided into those who like the outdoors and those who don't. I have always hated the outdoors and anything to do with nature ever since I was a little girl. Dad even used to joke that was why I started playing the cello, because I wasn't into organized outdoor sports. In this moment, though, I can honestly say that I think I've switched sides. There is no in between.

My crutches scrape against the rough pavement as I make my way over to the car. Adam offers to help, but I shoo him away. I need to learn how to do something for myself. Gran and Gramps get into the front seats, Gramps grasping the leather wheel with his wrinkled hands at 10 and 2. Adam slams the trunk and climbs in beside me, holding my hand. He looks at me fondly and squeezed it, stealing a kiss when Gramps looks out for oncoming traffic ahead of us. As we all drive away in the old station wagon I gaze upon the hospital and worry, not only what is to come at home, but in life.

_What has become of home? What has become of me?_

* * *

**A/N: As I write, I usually write one scene at a time and sometimes post a scene before the entire chapter is done so if you feel that your missing something in the story just check. It should be there.** **I usually try to post at least one scene at a time because that way I can keep all of my fan fictions on track as well. Feel free to check them out. Thanks for understanding. You're all the best. -amazinglilli :)**


	3. Home

**Chapter 3: Home**

The graying blue sky above us sits peppered with clouds, only letting a few gleams of sun through the cracks in its fingers. Gramps pulls up to the curb in front of the house. Everything is just how we left it, like it has been frozen in time for weeks. Snow layers the stiff grass, untouched only on our lawn. Adam gets out before me, holding the door open as my converse jump down onto the chill ground. My hand grasps his wrist tightly, not wanting to take my walk alone. His hand finds my back and his other twists from my grasp to meddle with my fingers.

Everything stands silent for a moment, only the wind flowing through my ears. Gran and Gramps make their way around to the trunk, only taking out a few small things from its capacity, as Adam and I step forward, towards the unknown that rests within the house's barriers. My beat-up converse smudge footprints into the covered walkway achingly slow, like a child tiptoeing down the hallway for a midnight snack.

Each of my feet creak slightly as I climb up the numbered steps, Adam still pressing gently behind me with his warmth. My hand freezes just before the doorknob, but opens it anyways at the key's metal whisper. The door's hinges squeak as the smell of home fills my lungs and everything left inside me. Everything is the same, frozen in time from that fateful day when everything else changed.

* * *

The dark shadow of night leaps into my bedroom as the sun vacates its spot in the sky. The steady melody of my vintage music box spins through the empty silence, attempting to break down its walls. Its small ballerina taps against my necklaces as its leg moves in a circle, completing its pirouette. My eyes travel along the shelves, skimming through every title along its platform, dreaming of their stories, wishing that I could escape into them for just a minute, maybe two.

As the sweater in my hands grows more tired, I slip it into my dresser, grabbing another from my suitcase. The process continues until every piece of clothing has been removed from its temporary holding. By then, the room is dark, all light on the brink of being vacuumed out by night. I do not turn on the light. I do not give into the pull of happiness, letting it pull me apart again.

I sit on my bed for a while, in silence, my finger moving over a wrinkle in my bed-sheets like a scratch on a record, mindlessly trying to repair its break in perfection. Adam soon appears in my doorway, his hands grasping it loosely, his cheek leaning against the right side. He tried to help a few times with the pointless busywork that occupied my mind's _To Do_ list, but each time I pushed him away. I felt isolated, like a solitary house in a snow globe, pieces of snow and debris floating all around me, not real.

"Kim is here," he spoke, softly, trying to incorporate it into my state of daze.

I turned towards him. "I'll be down in a minute."

I take a deep breath and begin down the stairs, my hands slowly gracing down the railing with each step. My feet drop down like rocks, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, before coming to the bottom. Gran and Gramps give me a hug immediately and say they have to leave. I close my eyes and absorb their love, clinging to it, before waving goodbye from within the screened in door. Adam soon follows, promising to come for the next shift when Kim leaves. Gran and Gramps had told me not to have him over without her presence, probably fearing the loss of my virginity, but its too late for that. Anyways, I need him here, even just laying on the living room couch helps, just to know he's there.

My head sinks against my pillow, its soft fluff having the time to bounce back since I last saw it. My aching body tightens into a ball, my legs against my chest, my arms wrapped around the combo. My crutches lay beside the bed, acting as obstacles as Kim climbs in behind me, cuddling me like mom used to when I was sick or hurt or in need of a little extra love.

A small tear welled up in the corner of my eye, but didn't release. Instead it just sat there, waiting, as my eyes shut to the drug of slumber.

There are those who comfort in times of need and there are those who don't.

* * *

The car is hit and everything goes silent. There are flashes of broken glass and crushed metal and bone protruding through skin, pouring blood out in its midst. I am paralyzed, only able to move my fingers, screaming for help, but no one can hear me. There's nothing to hear. Everything is static. Tears prickle my eyes. Within a minute, the snow is red, specifically crimson. Cars continue to drive by, leaving us on the side, bringing no concern to our literally destroyed lives.

I give up, squeezing my eyes shut for a moment, taking in all the pain. When I open them, my mom is standing in front of me, hobbling over. Her face is only half still attached, one eye closed permanently from the power of impact, but I try to stay hopeful. I even smile slightly before she collapses to her knees in front of me like a struck deer. Her movements do not halt through, she slowly presses her hand on my chest, inching closer to me, before clamping both palms around my neck, squeezing me into darkness and I scream into the static of noontime.

By the time I jump awake, I'm already screaming. My hands have pins and needles in them and I can barely breath. I struggle for breath, my numb bony fingers digging into the sheets and mattress, trying to dilute the nightmare, erase it from my memory.

Adam comes running up the stairs, fearing my cries of bloody murder. I don't stop at all on account of him, but the lack of breath, and rather begin choking, hunched over, heaving as he slowly sits behind me, attempting soothing my back, horrified. Unsteadily, my release of oxygen turns into panting and I am left in a silent room with Adam.

My eyes cloud with tears, emotions, whatever you wanna call it that happens after these kind of traumatic events. It isn't new to me. I had tried to save my outbursts for the nurses, people that were paid to put up with me and the lucid figments of my imagination and consciousness that had chosen to plague me since the night that no one ever mentions, but sometime I just don't get to choose. Beside, now, this is my life. There are no designer-drugs to make it all go away. They started weaning me off after the third day of recovery.

So, I just sit, numb, my hands embedded in my mattress, Adam's hand moving circles around my back, his whispers shushing my nerves to no avail, and try to think about nothing in particular, maybe not even at all. His lips touch the back of my neck, at the bridge of my spine, asking me if I'm okay or trying to make me so. Either way, I don't respond. There is no good answer to question one already knows.

But, within the hour, tears start to flow, and I wonder why they weren't here before. My bony fingers release their prey and I grasp Adam's hand. A single tear graces down his face, breaking down its walls. A shiver runs through him, finally seeing that I'm okay. That time lapse of panic is gone from his world, at least for the time being, and he moves me onto his lap, holding me tight, protecting me from the demons that somehow roam inside my mind. His hands become red, almost shaking with the energy of such fear leaving his body. Together, in the morning of night, we accept each other's battle scars and recognize the intensity before us, allowing the warrior paint to drip down our faces, not wanting the other to suffer alone.

* * *

**A/N: Okay, so, tell me what you think. I'm a little skeptical about this chapter. It's a little dark, but i think it's important to experience the feelings of PTSD to really understand where I'm going next. Please reply with any ideas and/or concerns. Will try to update soon.**


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